Friday, 11 June 2010

Place cupcake in the oven & bake at womb temperature for 40 weeks!


5 week Tummy

So here I am on the eve of my twelfth week & Ive gotta say I'm starting to get excited! I'm not ashamed to say that Ive found it hard these last seven weeks, Ive gone through every emotion possible I think, but know I just wanna shout "I MADE IT YIPPEE!!!!" & I'm so glad I did!

So after I got my BFP I worried constantly about the 1st scan, would every thing be OK? would I get there & find I was having a phantom pregnancy, that my body had played a cruel trick on me? I worried about every eventuality possible. On the morning of the scan I sat in my bedroom & cried, I was having a little chat with my uncle Brian ,my nan & grandads( who have all sadly passed away) & I just couldn't stop crying, I was praying that everything would be OK with my cupcake(s)-didn't know how many had implanted at this point-& I just couldn't pull myself together. Its normally an hours drive to my clinic so we left in plenty on time, only to arrive 40 minutes early! these were the longest 40 minutes of my life! there was quite a few other ladies there all for the same reason as Thursday is scan day, & while they all sat there beaming away I was silently sobbing in the corner. the lovely receptionist tried to get me in earlier, but she couldn't, so all I could do is sit & sob. When the nurse finally called my name (I think the other ladies were glad to see the back of me at this point) she asked if I was OK & that was it! I was blubbing all over the place saying I'm so worried theres going to be something wrong, bless her she was so lovely she just said I'm sure everything will be fine not lets get you ready & we'll find out & put you out of your misery.

Nothing in the world can describe the overwhelming joy I felt when I saw my one little cupcake flickering away on the screen, (I did have 2 embryos put in) this time I cried tears of joy & so did Mr K. I felt so relieved,happy,proud & thank full that I had finally been granted my chance.

We both came away on cloud nine, I didn't go back to work as I was so excited that I wanted to tell my family as I had managed to keep it a secret from them this time & to say they were over the moon is an understatement! My cousins cried, we were all sat round the table chatting away & Mandy said " so why aren't you at work then jack?" & I was all coy saying "oh I had to go to the doctors this morning.........cos I'm pregnant",then that was it, lots of tears & "oh my god your joking!!"

Next was my Dad & step mum, my dad is a man of very few emotions, he tends to hide it all away, so to see him shed tears when I told him meant so much to me!

Anyway lets fast forward over the next few weeks. I thought I would stop worrying after the scan, but oh no it continued! In fact it wasn't till I was reading a blog by Kate(bustedplumbing) who said she has something taped to her computer saying(can't remember all the words) stop worrying about all the things that could go wrong & start enjoying all the good things that are happening( something like that) that I began to think Ive really gotta stop all this worrying,

I will probably never experience pregnancy again so Ive really gotta start to think more positive about it, which was easier said then done when at 9-10 weeks I felt like all my little symptoms that I did have disappeared! It was like overnight I had gone from being pregnant to not! It was not an easy time,but thanks to the lovely ladies of twitter they put my mind at rest.

I have been lucky or unlucky however you wanna look at it, to have not really had any symptoms, all I have had is the occasional feeling sick & retching ,1 nose bleed, backache & headaches ( at the times when I didn't feel pregnant I actually prayed for some sickness, I know this will not make sense to the ladies that have suffered badly with it, but I felt like I needed a bit of reassurance that my cupcake was still doing well).

My tummy has grown so quick I cant believe it! I asked the midwife I was big for 10 weeks & she said if it hadn't been confirmed that I was having one baby she would of said it could possibly be twins,unless one was hiding she said at the scan! or that my uterus had just popped out quicker than normal & the baby will grown into it know & I may not grow anymore for a while, but from weeks 8-11 its grown 2.5 inches,in one week alone it grew 1.5 inches! so I cant wait to see how much its grown tomorrow when I do my weekly photo & measuring!

So on the eve of my twelfth week I have a lovely little tummy which is developing a little downy fur over it & a gorgeous pregnancy cleavage in the making ( no gel bras required now!).

I have my next scan on the 1st July when I'll be 13 weeks 2 days & I have been told that I should get a really good picture, fingers crossed!

I'm so proud that I made it to the first hurdle, here's to the next one!!!!

Keep baking

Love Mrs K xxx

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Baking in Progress!!

Sorry its taken so long for me to update my blog, I will try not to ramble on to much, but apologies if I do!
So on Tuesday 27th April I found out that my IVF treatment had work, I WAS PREGNANT!!! To say I was shocked (well both of us really) was an understatement! Compared to my last IVF cycle (which was horrendous!), this one was a breeze! But I was convinced it hadn't worked as 4 days after my transfer I had really bad pains in my tummy,not like period pains,they were very strange,but they started at midday & went right the way through till 10pm that night, then nothing, deep down I had prepared myself for the worst. The day before my test was the worst as last time I started bleeding the day before my test, so I was constantly in the loo "checking", Dave was ill due to worrying as well & by the end of the day when my AF hadn't reared its ugly head I began to have a very small amount of hope that I mite be pregnant.

I didn't sleep at all well that night, I knew I had to hold my wee wees for a minimum of 6 hrs!(forgot to say that on the Saturday night I had started peeing mega amounts during the night) so knew this was going to be hell! Told myself I had to wake up at 1am for my last "wee stop" of the night,then no more, easier said than done, 4am I was busting to go again & had to hold it, not a good move! Any way to pass the time I pictured myself phoning my mum in the morning to tell her it hadn't worked again, I tried to picture this over & over again to try & prepare myself, but for some reason the picture that kept reappearing was one of me telling her I was pregnant.

At 6am I couldn't hold it anymore, told Dave to quickly let the dogs out for a wee & I would wait for him before I did the test, last time I peed on the stick & Dave watched for the result, this time I wanted to witness the change for myself.So when he came back I rushed into the bathroom to do it, & he said oh my god I need the loo! thankfully we have another loo upstairs, & as I was mid pee there was no way I was stopping, not after I'd been holding it for 5 hours!

So I peed & waited on my own. Last time I had a digital pregnancy test that either said "pregnant" or "not pregnant", I hate these tests as its almost like its taunting you if your not pregnant, so I couldn't bear to use one of these tests ever again! This time I had the good old 2 lines for positive, 1 line for negative ( no taunting involved!)Watching that stick change was amazing, I knew as soon as the first line came up that it had worked, cos if its negative the line only comes up on the right hand side, & this line came up on the left side first, then the right, I just sat there in shock ( all this time Dave is still on the loo oblivious to it all). After a minute or two I just said in a very flat voice "Dave I've done it", he rushed out the bathroom going "well,what is it?"I handed him the stick & said"I cant believe it, I cant believe it,oh my god I cant believe it, its worked" I was shaking & he hugged me said "oh my god Jack, I bloody knew it had!", my reply "I've gotta lie down".I was in complete shock, but I knew I had to call my mum as she would be waiting for news, & I couldn't wait to tell her she was going to be a nanny! When I called she said she had been awake since 5am worrying as well, but when I told her she was going to be a nanny she started to cry, I don't think she could believe it either, then I had to phone daves mum & two sisters as I knew they would also be waiting for news, & they all cried as well! Ive got to say I think it was the most emotional day of my life! I phoned my clinic & left a message for them to call me back,& when my fav nurse called she was like, good news,bad news??? I screamed "bloody excellent news!!"she was so happy for me as she had seen me at my lowest last year after the failed attempt & she is brilliant at her job!

I wont waffle on for to much longer,spent the rest of the day in a daze really(& 6weeks later im still in a daze!)

Its strange though,cos no matter how hard I thought the IVF was,being pregnant is a million times harder, I have tried not to but I have worried constantly,worried about first scan,now worry about second scan & it goes on & on & on, but I'm trying my hardest not to worry(easier said than done) as I don't want to look back & say I worried the whole time, but I know that will never go away completely, so I'm trying to focus on all the good things,this precious, miracle life growing inside me ( which I still cant get used to!) & my wonderful husband & family who have been with me all the way!!

So now we've just gotta wait for the bun to bake!!

love Mrs K xx

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Ferns Blog!!

This started as a joke between myself & jenny who I go doggie walking with-she has barneys litter brother,chip.

Picked up fern she is settling into Pooch Prison! no walkies till I don't know when xx

Dear Fern,
I am glad that you are home and with your mum. Thank your mum for the photo and I know that you are feeling uncomfortable, but I like your pink bandage. At least you have the prison door open so that you are not totally enclosed in your bedroom.My mum took me to the river but there were two men holding one large dog as big or bigger than that Rodney who lives with Spike and Layla - I did not like him and growled from behind my mums legs. Another dog a black and white spaniel would not go back to his daddy and was splashing around in the lagoon! I would not go down there cos of the water.Are you allowed out for a wee. Would you like flowers or bones. Have lots of lick and sniffs Love Chippy xx

Dear chip,
thank you for ur message,I'm glad to be home but I'm really not happy about this crate,I have to stay in all the time,I'm only allowed out 3 times a day for a kwick wee,which is difficult with this big alien on my leg!so I've decided to go on hunger strike!I've got to stay locked up at hotel pooch for 24hrs till the 1st of june,can u believe that,I think I'll go crazy,shame u can't visit,but aunty can whenever she likes,just remeber be brave when facing those hounds!!
Prisoner 4321 fern xx xxx

Dear Fern,
Wot rotten luck only three times a day. And a pot on your leg too. If you are on hunger strike I shall send my mummy down to see you. My big ones have invited a hoard of little ones to dinner on Sunday so I think roast beef is on the cards. Are you allowed a little roast beef whilst on Prisoner Cell Block H. What else do you think you could manage to taste - I might be able to bring chicken too. Your Mum is trying to think of all things she could tempt you with. I will tell her that best fillet steak lightly grilled would really be ideal - but not any dog food whilst you are ill - should I send chocolates.I shall take lots of photos whilst I am away of all the places I have wee'd on to show you
Luv Chippy xx
Uncle Alec sends love.

Dear chip
Mum just gave me jaspers kong which had puppy food & chicken in it so I forced that down,all these drugs are making me rather sleepy,rotten luck on having lots of little visitors tomorow,but more chance they'll slip u some beef,or drop lots of food on the floor! I also have a new room mate,its pink & soft & looks like some sort of goose & makes a strange noise,I think its name is baby!oh well mite snuggle up to it later,my eyelids are drooping now so I better go,will send u a pic of new roommate when she's settled in. & wood love to see pics,will make me think I've been outside!
Woofs & licksPrisoner 4321 fern & baby

Lunatics Asylum:
Dear Prisoner 4321
Well the small things have gone home and I am very tired. I did have some nice things to eat because someone dropped their chocolate cake towards the floor and I caught it before it fell on the ground. I also managed to snatch some roast beef whilst Mum was clearing the plates into the dishwasher. An opened packet of chocolate covered raisins were left on the coffee table but someone saw me before I could sample them.I have not got your picture of baby! I did not know you had to share a cell I thought you were in a private wing!Its good to know that you were let out on remand for a while so keep up the good work and lie doggo when no one is watching.Next time at 2.00am try for Barney to bark he is louder than Jasper. I woke up at nearly 6.00am and played music on the radiator but my mum shoved me outa the back door and when I came back in she buggered off to bed again!No balls sound sad - fancy having no balls to play with.My mum is at art Tuesday and Wednesday this week! She says to tell you mum to lay down and rest or else she will have to do the 'mother bit' whatever that means.Large bags have appeared in the bedroom but there is a box of smelly dog treat (unopened grr) So I am not sure what is happening.
Write soon luv chip xx

Pooch Prison
Dear chip,
I've been allowed to write again today as I've been a good doggie. As promised here is a pic of me & prisoner baby(although I don't know what her crime is yet,she's a bit quiet)Well, after refusing to eat last night I had a spot of luck,mum & dad remembered that the nasty vet man said I was allowed out of the cell as long as there was always someone present & I didn't move,so I done my most saddest eyes ever & guess what?yeah you got it, they let me out & I was able to lay in front of the fire & sleep,I made sure I didint move as I didn't wanna get locked up again!But when it got dark they locked me up & all buggered off!!so I made jasper start barking at 2 am!!ha ha serves them right I thought!!he he!todays been ok didn't eat breakfast as I thought I mite get let out again,but mum & dad went to some clinic to have some wanna be babies put in mums tummy,but when they came back mum let me out & we layed in the lounge together. Barneys a bit sad,he's stayed away from me at the moment,think he's scared he mite get locked up to,& I just heard dad call jasper a little shit,heard he got away from dad & ran in the end garden then onto the main road!dad was not happy & mum kept going on about "balls being chopped off" wotever that means! I did eat my dinner tonite as I've realised that you get rewards for good behaviour,so I'm expecting another lounge infront of the fire. barney has just heard that mum mite take him down the river tuesday or wednesday depending how she feels,she will let aunty know. How's your day been? Hope those little ones didn't stress u out to much,get any good leftovers?hope they haven't dressed you up in silly things again,its really not a good look for you to be sporting chip at your age!!any way better go now as I can hear the fire crackling
Scratches & sniffs Prisoner 4321 fern xx

Dear Prisoner 4321
Not much to report except that I only got a short walk today. My humans both went out. One took another human to a place called Haverhill and they even had dinner out, the long haired human went out with a small medium and larger human. They went to Sainsburys to change a jumper into a jumper!!If you savage baby and her wing falls off will she only be able to fly in circles. Remember that it was the goose that laid the golden egg so you had better be kind to baby and savage her when humans are not looking.Have you thought about joining a choir with your other two mates. A trio of singing might be really good and the noise would increase threefold.How is your mum - is she doing something called 'laying on the sofa' a funny sort of game which sometimes means humans make a funny grunting noise I think they call it snoring - my humans do it.Seeing grandmas are good they poke sweets at you through the bars.Treats have been hidden somewhere now - and I can't find them - bugger.My human is going to try and pop to see you bearing gifts - so keep your tail up
Smell you soon - chip x

Pooch prison
Mon 18-4-10
Dear chip
How r u? As u can see baby has been a bit annoying today,so this is the only way I can keep her quiet!Not much to report today,am very very bored!I get left at home AGAIN while the other 2 went for a walk,I hope there feeling guilty for leaving me behind!Dad went to work & mum decided to have a lie in,whatever that is,so I decided to start "singing" very loudly & thought I'm not going to stop till mum gets up,after about half an hour the "singing"worked but she didn't let me out!shame on her!then she buggered off to let some man stick needles in her body,don't know what that's all about,why would you stick needle in yourself? My nan visited me this afternoon,so I was allowed out for a cuddle,yippee! Have got the sad eye look down to a T now,it works so well when wanting a cuddle!Have u managed to get into them treats yet? Keep trying.Oh well my paws getting saw from all this typing,hope to hear from u soon(baby might loose a wing soon!)
Tummy rub & ear scratch Prisoner 4321 fern xx

The Great Escape!!
Dear chip
Great news I managed to escape today,was the most fun I've had since I've been locked up(apart from savaging baby),you shud of seen me,got the wind in my ears!!I was free!! Well,for about 5 minutes. Let me tell you what happened,nan took jasper up the field & mum had just finished giving me another cuddle(she gets in the cell!) & she was trying to get barney out for a wee so she only put the top bar across,so I waited till I knew they were gone & just kept pawing away & hey what do ya know!bingo it popped open!(God really did listen to my prayers last nite)so I checked the coast was clear & made a run for it,I was in luck cos the back door & the gate were open,so with the wind rushing through my ears I ran into the field where I could see mum & barns,but my escape was short lived,mum shouted a bit & was really worried about my leg,but hey I can't feel pain!so with a heavy heart I got locked up again & I've only been allowed out to go to that nasty place where the people done this to me,something about them checking this pink monstrosity on my leg,the vet man tried bribing me with a treat,but you never know what they lace them with,no way am I eating anything from there!& when we came home before mum could put the sling under my tummy to help me out I thought I'd have another bid for freedom & just done a mad leap outa the car & my leg clanked to the ground,mum really panicked again which then led to another mad cuddling session,but I think I'm alrite now.mum has been doing something called "taking it easy" & I think she's ok cos she's still smiling. Jasper rolled on a dead rabbit head up the field so he's been taken off to the shower block by dad,much to his disgust,he was really making a noise about it,that'll teach the young pup!ah well better go as the tablets are kicking in,still haven't worked out quite how there getting into me,they must be tricking me somehow!
A Droopy eyedPrisioner 4321 fern xx

Sunday, 18 April 2010

Two delicious cupcakes in the oven!

So today is the day the baking begins!

As most of you know this morning was the day of my transfer. I had quite a good nites sleep until I woke up at 2.11am & thought it was morning & time to get up! Managed to get back to sleep & woke again at pessary o'clock(I wake between 5.30& 6 every morning & its so annoying!)so with that done I decided I wasn't getting up till 7.

Was very calm,although Mr K & I didn't really say much to each other,we both know when the other is feeling uneasy or worried,& there weren't any words to describe how we were feeling.

I had another mad rush round with my hoover(that's for you Kris!)done some more washing then went to get ready, & that's when I had my meltdown, I just burst into tears & couldn't stop crying. All I kept thinking was "I can't do this,I can't.I don't wanna go,I'm not ready", so with me crying & Mr K sitting on the loo as his nerves got the better of him, we we're a sorry pair! But I thought "come on Jack,you've come this far you can do this" & I thought "yeah I can".

Yes I'm petrified of the "POAS day" but I'm going to keep taking each day as it comes & nothing else.

So, after we'd both pulled ourselves together we set off. Me wearing my lovely orange pants!(if I could of dressed all in orange I would of done!!)

I was glad when we got to the clinic that all my favourites we're going to be looking after me, lovely nurse pearly queen, Dr Chuckles & the nice embryologist,Nicola.

You all know what the procedure is like so I won't go into any detail, oh forgot to say that I had 2 really nice blasto's & 2 not so good,so got the option off the 2 nice one's & 1 of the not so good, but opted for just the 2 good one's. Nicola said if the remaining 2 divide well over night they will freeze them for us.

Saw the two cupcakes on the screen, one had collapsed, but Nicola said this was normal, then into the oven they went(Mr K was happy as his favourite song,sitting on the dock of the bay was playing), & nurse pearly queen said "there we go straight into mum", I could of cried at that,she called me mum! & for the next 10 days I will be!!

They all wished me the best of luck,told me take it easy & don't break out into a sweat,not much chance of that happening I can tell you!

But I'm not very good at doing nothing,so I'm going to force myself to go & chill out on the sofa after I've read the paper in the garden & watched poor Mr K moving loads of blocks around!

I've also been told not to wear to tight a clothing round my waist so picture this, I have my jeggins pulled right up under my boobs & resemble a Mrs Cowell,lol.

And Mr K is going to take me out for lunch later, so I bid you all farewell for today & will update you on the baking,

Love a happy chef, Mrs K xx

Friday, 16 April 2010

Big Friday Hugs

So many of my dear Twitter are feeling down at the moment & I want to send them all a hug, so Fifi - ivfdiary,IvyEf & Sarah - Born2bmummy this is for you & anyone else, jill - jillyjohn,infertilemummy - elaine,who is the need of hugs right now. Take the hug & pass it on.

Big hugs girls,

love Mrs K xxx

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

The mixture is prepared!

I am home!!!!!Hoooooraaaayyy!!!!I'm very happy, had 8 eggs collected, which I'm so happy about, as at the beginning of the week I only had four follicles & I was slightly worried.

This will be a quick blog as I feel a bit groggy still & away with the fairies. Plus hubby has OD'd me on biscuits!

Slept really well last night, which was surprising & we had an early start to get to the clinic on time. Had the same lovely nurse which looked after me last time, I'll call her nurse pearly queen as she was like a lovely old londoner nanny! Told her all about how ill I was last time, & she assured me it would all go smoothly today,different anaesthetist & Doctor. My blood pressure was low, which it normally is, but it was lower than last time & she told me to get it checked out again.

Had the lovely Dr chuckles do my egg collection, which I was really pleased about as he is SO happy all the time & just puts you at ease.

So Mr K went off to do his thing, & I said alot of prayers!

I was still very calm at this point,until they took me through & when they put the needle in for the sedation, I just started crying & couldn't stop! Pearly queen nurse wiped up my tears & they said everything would be OK , then I think they just got the drugs in as quick as poss!! Next thing I knew I was back in the recovery room.

And I've got to say I feel so different to last time. Hardly any pain or blood, last time I lost alot of blood & couldn't wee for hours, now I know what its meant to feel like! Mr K said that I looked a 100 times better than last time & reminded me how we had to stop on the M25 last time on the way home as I nearly passed out & threw up!

So yes, at the moment Im feeling good, the embryologist said that if all goes well with 8 eggs they will try & push for blasto & day 5 trans, but we'll see on Friday.

Thank you to everyone for all there well wishes, I'm sorry if I haven't replied to you all, but it means alot to know that your all wishing me well.

So all we have to do now is wait for the mixture to rise,then we'll be popping them in the oven!

Love an exhausted cook, Mrs K x

Monday, 12 April 2010

Prepare the bun tins!

The oven is warmed up, now all we have to do is prepare the mixture!
Last night was my very last injection for this cycle of IVF(I'm secretly hoping that it will be my last injection ever to do with this madness that is IVF!).
Had my orders for the nurse to inject my ovitrelle at 9.15pm, & as you all know theres no hesitating with the jab, you literally have to take the top off & jab straight away or you lose the precious meds as they start leaking out. So I had to physc myself up for this, took a while, but after a short hesitation I done it! Has anyone else noticed that this needle seems to be a hell of alot thicker than all the others??Bled for quite a while after, but I thought hey this is the last one & I've coped so much better this time round with the jabs, so I was proud of myself that I'd got through the first stage.
But what I had forget about was the pain you feel about 6 hrs later! It woke me up about 3.30am & I was in agony, I couldn't get back to sleep & I had to get up about 30 times(slight exaggeration there,but it felt like alot!) to keep peeing!
At 6.10am I'd had enough & got up,only to find that standing upright wasn't going to be happening for a while! My hat goes off to all the ladies that have lots of follicles & suffer like this for weeks, I think I would have to take to my bed if I'd suffered like this on a daily basis !
But after forcing myself to walk around, & a nice cup of redbush tea, I started to feel alot better.
I've got my orders to be at the clinic for 8.45am tomorrow morning, which means we'll have to set off about 7.15, but I know I won't sleep tonight. I'm worried that I'm going to be ill like I was last time, & because I know what to expect I'm very anxious about the whole process.
For me this is the start of the next stage which I don't like very much ,this is when it suddenly hits you that its real & its happening!When your injecting you can almost push all the thoughts to the back of your mind & kid yourself its not happening, but once them babies are out that's when it hits me like a ton of bricks & I might lose it completely!All the calmness might come crashing down & I'll be a quivering wreck(I'm hoping that this doesn't happen).
But I have alot to take my mind off it all, as this week is a bit of a mad week, I'm going in tomorrow, my mum is going into hospital Thursday & we just heard that we've got to take Fern to the specialist Thursday & he is going to operate on her leg!So I'm not going to worry about me to much & focus my worrying on my mum & Fern! I think Fern is one of the reasons that I've been so calm this time round, I've been so worried about her, I've forgotten about me.

I've been told that I will go back for my transfer either Thursday,Friday or Sunday. I think it will be Friday as I don't think I'm going to have enough quality embryos to go for blastocyst, but I'm OK with that, lots of ladies have had a day 3 transfer & its been successful.

So all I'm going to do is take each day as it comes, listen to the Zita West CD to keep calm & take it easy,I don't think you can do more than that, oh yeah almost forgot,& to wear lucky orange knickers every day from tomorrow!!!(& pray for a miracle to happen!)

I plan to take a few days off & then I will go back to work, as I drove myself crazy last time as I stayed at home the whole time & my mind ran away with me every day!

So I have the bun tins ready,waiting for the special mixture!

If anyone else is baking,good luck & I wish you lots of baby dust in your buns!

Love Mrs K x

Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Bun baking is a slow process & can't be rushed!

Today I found out my "bun baking" is not rising very quickly & is on "a bit of a go slow" as quoted by a new Dr that I saw today.I'm going to follow with tradition & give him a name like all my fellow infertile bloggers,so I'm going to call him Dr Polite(I thought about Dr nice,but there all nice at my clinic).I thought it was strange when he said I was on "a go slow" as on my last IVF I "matured" really quickly,in 11 days as opposed to the normal 14, but I didn't really read to much into it, then he started to look at my follicles & only found between 4-5,was a gutted at this as last time I had about 18 follicles & 11 eggs collected, so I thought it would be the same, but Dr Polite told me that no IVF cycle was the same & as long as I've got more than 1 follie I'm still in the game! Dr Polite also found quite a few cysts but said this was nothing to worry about. So they've upped my Gonal-F dosage to 375 & I've gotta go back Friday for another scan.

Now, I thought theres two ways I can handle this....either go to pieces & worry myself silly over the next few days,or just get on with things, so I opted for the second descion, Theres no point in worrying myself stupid on something that I have absolutely no control over,in fact we don't have control over any of the IVF cycle(apart from how much drugs we have to take) the only thing we are certain of is that at the end its either going to be a positive or a negative.

So I'm determined not to worry,although actually doing this may prove hard,but I'm going to give it a go. I spent my last IVF cycle worrying myself sick over the slightest little thing & when It didn't work I was crushed & devastated, but my strength & courage WILL get me through this time! I'm alot stronger this time & my outlook & attitude is different.

I listened alot to a song after the last ivf & theres a certain line that summed up how I felt,it goes like this:

I feel just like I'm sinking & I claw for solid ground, pulled down by the undertones, never thought I could feel so low, in all darkness I feel like letting go. If all of the strength & all of the courage comes & lifts me from this place,I no I can love you much better than this, full of grace.

I no it seems depressing, but It really helped me come to terms with my feelings, and that is why I no I can do this, because I have strength & courage, & whatever the outcome I will survive & do it again if I have to. Strength & courage ladies, strength & courage & we will all achieve are dreams.

Praying for a good rise,

Mrs K xx

Sunday, 21 March 2010

My poor Doggie

On Monday I had to take Fern to the vets as her back leg joint had become really swollen & she couldn't walk on it. She had x-rays done & they couldn't find out what was wrong with it, so we were given some anti inflammatory medicine (metacam) & told to rest her till next Tuesday, & if she was no better she would have to see a specialist.

Last nite she took a dramatic turn for the worse, firstly she wouldn't eat her tea, & as any Labrador owner knows the only time they don't eat is when they are poorly. I just thought she was feeling down due to her leg hurting her & all week she's watched Barney & Jasper go out & she's had to stay home.

Anyway, I went to bed early last night as I'd been up since 5am & in the night when I woke to go to the loo I thought I could smell bleach, but thought I must be mistaken(Mr K wasn't in bed, I assumed he was still up). When I woke up this morning Mr K was already up( & I don't hear much at night as I have to wear ear plugs due to Mr K's snoring!).

He said he had been up all night with Fern. She started to be sick at 10.30 after I'd gone to bed,she was sick about 4 times he said before he came to bed. But then he could hear her making funny noises downstairs, & when he came down he said there was blood everywhere, poor Fern, it was pouring out of her bottom, & while he was cleaning it up she was being sick all over the rug in the dining room. I cant believe I didn't hear anything & was upset that he didn't wake me up.

She wouldn't eat anything this morning, not even a piece of chicken. She managed some water,but no sooner had she drunk it,she just brought it back up again & when I saw she was still passing alot of blood I knew I had to get her round the vets or she would become seriously dehydrated. Forgot to mention that I looked at the side effects that can happen with the medicine she was taking & she had all of them, but what scared me the most was that it said in severe cases may cause death!

When we got to the vets, I burst into tears when the vet asked me what was wrong with her & I couldn't stop crying, but she checked her all over & luckily she wasn't to dehydrated, but she kept saying it looks like a burst ulcer,even though I told her about the metacam & side effects .( you should know that I do not have alot of faith in our emergency vet service, I had a bad experience when I had to take Barney a few years ago & my friends dog went in & they failed to diagnose what was wrong with him & said it was something else & because they left it for so long poor Bob died in there & we were all devastated).

So the vet said she would have to stay in & they would put her on a drip & do "tests"on her. So I had to leave my poor baby, even though I know she's in the best place I cant help but worry, Fern is the most loving dog ever,she has such a lovely nature & wouldn't hurt a fly, & we've had her since she was 6months old, & she's now 7. The worst part was coming home without her, Barney & Jasper just looked at me as if to say "where is she? what have you done to her?" & Jasper my 5 month puppy adores Fern, she been like his surrogate mum, in fact when we got Jasper she changed,it was like he brought out a new "mummy" lease of life in her.

So the vet just rang & I still don't know what is wrong with Fern, all her bloods were ok, she was sick after I left her, so they gave her an injection, & the vet said she's had 2 more dogs brought in with similar symptoms, but Fern hasn't left the garden all week so how could she pick anything up?? So were still none the wiser.

I have washed my floors so many times as there's a stench of "blood" hanging in the air( thank god I have laminated floors,although I have had to throw out the rug). We had to pull out the fridge & freezer as there was so much blood it went all under those as well.

So all we can do is wait & pray, get better soon Fern as mummy Miss's you & I'm sad without you here.

Sad Mrs K xxxx

Friday, 19 March 2010

Mix in 0.5 of Suprecur on a daily basis!

So here I am, day 7 of my 2nd IVF cycle, & I gotta say its been a funny old week. I got myself rather worked up on the first day of injecting,as those of you that know me know that I have a fear of needles. I woke really early & just kept putting it off, but after 2 hrs I knew that I just had to get on with it,I mean I've done it once before,you'd think I'd be a pro by now,but I'm not, I'm a big baby when it comes to any type of pain, god only knows what I would be like if I did, by some miracle become pregnant & get to experience the joy of LABOUR!
So anyway I thought this is silly,just do it!! so I did, I sat there & stabbed myself twice before I eventually injected myself! Palms were sweating & heart was racing at this point,what a big baby! You might ask "why didn't Mr K do your injection?", well he had gone fishing with the hounds so I could relax before the emotional roller coaster began, & when I asked him if he would like to inject me on my last cycle he chickened out! said he didn't wanna hurt me! Silly thing is, it doesn't even hurt, so why do I get myself so worked up???
I was fine after the injection, until late afternoon when I started to feel really sick, wasn't sure whether it was due to the Suprecur or the overall build up of the injection! but continued to feel sick all night.
I was fine the next day(which was mothers day) went out with my mum,aunts & cousins for the day. Felt a bit awkward as one of my aunties started to ask me when I would be "having another go" as they like to put it, I then had to lie & say "oh soon, not sure when" me & my mum just looked at each other & raised our eyebrows!! I hate keeping it from my family, but I just don't want all the phone calls on "the dreaded test day" especially if it is bad news, & by people not knowing I feel like life is carrying on as normal as possible, as last time it was all everyone talked bout, Jacqui & her IVF.
Felt sick again all afternoon & evening & just prayed that I would not feel like this for the next month. I didn't have any side effects last time(apart from some moodiness which Mr K would say is normal!).
Monday woke up feeling full of life & energy,thinking "yes I can do this"& I was really positive.
All change Tuesday!!!!Dramatic loop the loop on the roller coaster!Didn't know what was wrong with me, sat talking to Mr K in his office & the tears just started to roll down my cheeks, then got angry with myself for crying for no particular reason, spent the rest of the day very subdued.
Poor Mr K took the brunt of it on Wednesday & Thursday, he hadn't done anything wrong, but everything he did do got on my nerves if you know what I mean, just wanted him to leave me alone & scream at him "I'VE ONLY GOT ONE NERVE & YOUR GETTING ON IT!!!"poor Mr K!
Then I felt bad as he was constantly asking me "what have I done?",so I was honest & told him "you haven't done anything wrong, but your really getting on my nerves for no reason", & it was strange, because no sooner had I told him I felt so much better & have been in a very good mood today, apart form the permanent state of confusion I seem to have developed, I here words coming out of my mouth & they don't make any sense & I have no idea where they came from,its almost like I have another person living in my body that has taken over my power of speech,& I got spots!!lol, I never get spots,am lucky to be blessed with very good skin.
There are two things that have got me through this week, firstly, my acupuncture session, which was amazing!had a needle put in the top of my head & it felt like all my woes were flowing out through the needle! secondly, Zita West, thanks to the lovely helenlegh(if you don't follow her on twitter please do so!) who lent me the Zita West CD, it has been a god send!I even play it in my car to calm down my road rage! Seriously, if you don't have this CD you must get it!
So here I am now waiting for my AF to arrive, then I can get my scans booked & get an estimate for my egg collection. I hate not knowing when its going to happen, I've sort of worked it out, but it all depends on the delightful visit of Aunt Flo!
Sorry if I have rambled on a bit,but I feel I had alot to get off my chest! I think I need to try & do more blogs, but shorter, but I don't seem to have the time.
Anyway must go now as I've really gotta stir the Suprecur in well so its mixed just right & then I can add the Gonal-F.
Happy Baking

love Mrs K xx

Monday, 8 March 2010

A sprinkle of fear & anxiety

So, this week I start my second cycle of IVF treatment & I was excited about starting it,but over the last two weeks the doubts have started creeping in & now I am wreck! The more I think about it,the more I don't wanna do it as I'm so scared. When I think about how I felt last time I really don't no if I can cope with it all,I thought I had got stronger,but now I'm not so sure. Mr K has given me a stern talking to because he said I need to change my attitude & start thinking more positively,& I no he's right,but the more I worry the worse I become then I hid away in the loo & have a little cry....what is wrong with me???

I'm sure I'm not feeling any different to any lady that that has suffered knock backs on this roller coaster ride, but I feel so alone,I need some one to tell me that what I'm feeling is quite normal,but as I haven't told any members of my family apart from my mum I can't vent my fears & anxieties.

I really do try to be positive, I've started telling myself when I'm falling asleep over & over again that "I will get pregnant & I will have a baby",but then I think what if it doesn't work again? can I cope with how I felt last time?

Its very hard to explain how I felt after my last cycle, I kinda went through a grieving process. I was very very angry at first,angry that it happened so easily for some people & not me,then angry at myself,I hated my useless defective body & I couldn't look at myself in the mirror as I felt it was my fault it hadn't worked.Then a sadness & numbness like I've never felt before. But gradually(& with the help of some counselling) I realised that I wasn't blame.I should also say that when we went back to the clinic for a follow up even my Dr said he was shocked it hadn't worked as one of my embryos was a grade A(this then started more uncontrollable crying & self hate) but it was one of those times when they didn't have any answers for why it hadn't worked.

So as you can see this I why I'm feeling like I am,all the fears I have are making me stressed which I no is not good for my peace of mind & I don't want to enter into my IVF feeling like I am,so dear ladies of Twitter I'm calling on you to please help me (although Mr K would say I'm beyond help sometimes!) I would appreciate any words of advice you can offer me, & to know that I'm not going mad would be a great help.

Going to turn the oven down for a while & carry on mixing.

love Mrs K xx

Wednesday, 3 March 2010


Thursday, 25 February 2010

Men are just happier people,we'll see about that!!

Recieved this today & thought I would share it with you all:

Nicknames: If Laura,Kate & Sarah go out to lunch,they will call each other Laura,Kate & Sarah.

If Mike,Dave & John go out,they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat boy,Godzilla & Nut job!

Eating Out:when the bill arives Mike,Dave & John will each throw in £20,even though its only £32.50.None of them will have anything smaller & none will admit they want the change!

When the girls get their bill,out come the pocket calculators.

Money:A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay£1 for a £2 item that doesnt need but its on sale.

Bathrooms: A man has 6 items in his bathroom: toothbrush & toothpaste,shaving cream,razor,a bar of soap & a towel.

the average number of items in the typical womans bathroom is 337! A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

Arguments:A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Future: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success:A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change,but he doesnt.

A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change,but she does.

Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to go shopping,water the plants,empty the bins,answer the phone,read a book,and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural: Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed.

Woman somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring:Ah,children. A woman knows about dentist appointments and romances,best friends,favourite foods,secret fears,hopes & dreams.

A man is vaguely aware ofsome short people living in the house.

Thought for the day: A married man should forget his mistakes.Theres no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO,tell all your lady friends who have a sense of humour.......& to the men who will enjoy hearing it!!!

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

The Ingredients To My Infertilty

I come from a large family of females,my nan had 4 girls,who in turn(apart from my mum who was the only sister to have a boy)all had girls.In three generations I am the only female to have "infertilty problems". My nan,who is 85,often likes to tell me that all she had to do was open her legs & she got pregnant!her words,not mine,love you nan! She has often told me that if she could have a baby for me she would(think we might get on the Jeremy Kyle show if that happened,LOL) & thinks that its cruel that I should be "barren"(her words again!)So as you can imagine my infertility is a great topic of conversation between my aunts & cousins. One of my aunts doesnt agree with IVF,but shes never had to deal with it,& lots of my cousins have offered their womb to me!but I really would like to try & carry my own child. So let me tell you my story & I hope it doesnt bore you!

Deep down I've know for a long time that something wasnt right,even before I went for all the tests. I did become pregnant along time ago when I was 20 & married to my first husband(thats another story!) I suffered a miscarriage at 10 wks & subsequently had a laperoscopy & D&C, I no that it cant be proved but I think that the D&C helped to block my tubes.

Anyway, it wasn't till I met Mr K 10 years ago that I thought about kids, & after a year of being together I stopped taking my birth control & nothing ever happened. I had always thought if its ment to be it will happen,then I thought this is never going to happen. It wasnt unitl May 2007 that I plucked up the courage to go the doctors, who then refered me to the hospital.Then spent from may till Dec 2007 waiting for another laperoscopy. My consultant at the hospital was not very compassionate,as when I came round from the surgery She just said rather sternly,"we pushed dye through your tubes & it didnt come out the other end" & that was it!!no explanation,nothing! That night I went home in tears,I really thought this is it,no babies & its all my fault, I was devastated.When I went back to see Miss Stern,she said they wanted to do a HSG,so again more waiting. Finally had this done in June 2008 & they managed to unblock one tube after 2 attempts(this bloody hurt!) & I'm not ashamed to say I cried like a baby(I have a low pain threshold anyway,passed out twice from breaking fingernails!this is true!!)

I then started on the downward spiral of the devils drug as I like to call it, "clomid". Took this for a year & poor Mr K suffered very badly towards the end,I dont think I stopped crying for a whole month,hated him being near me,then cried for him when he'd had enough & buggered off fishing!I really thought I was going round the bend & this was when I decided I couldnt take anymore & stopped taking them.

During this time I was reffered for one free IVF treatment. When I hadnt heard anything from the hospital for 4 months I phoned to see Miss Stern only to be told I'd been discharged! was vv angry & when I finally got to see Miss Stern she told me I was no longer eligable for free IVF as they had changed the criteria!! Never heard so much bollocks in my whole life! She went on to say again without any compassion that I would have to pay for it myself & what was £10,000 if I got a child in the end!! Yeah right,I'll just go & pick it off my money tree at the end of my garden,thats if the fairies & pixies havent stolen it!!cos we all have a spare ten grand floating around dont we!

I sort of gave up hope by then,one of my friends had given birth to her 4th child at 40 & I remember sitting in my garden late at night cos I cudnt sleep,thinking it will never be me,I will never get to hold my own child,I will never go through what she has gone through-lovely big tummy,agonisng labour-I will never experience this & I think thats when it really hit me that I may never have kids,& i just couldnt accept it,I needed to try,otherwise I would die knowing that I had never tried & even now if it doesnt happen at least I know I've given it a damn good try.

Thats why I wanna say a big big thank you to my lovely mum,as without her help none of my IVF treatment would be possible,so thank you mum,love you so much & I hope to give you your grandchild soon,& to the wonderful Mr K for putting up with me through all my tears,tempers & sadness,Love u Mr K!!!

Time to get the mixing bowl ready. xx

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

Get me to the clinic on time!!

Yayee,Mr K & I finally made to are appointment,on time,it was a miracle!It was touch & go for a while & I really thought we were guna be late. You have to know that im renowned for being late,infact I think its a built in gene in my family!Theres like a silent code,if we say where guna be somewhere by a certain time everyone knows that we will be running at least 20mins behind schedule(my brother is the worst,if Im looking after my nephew for the day & he says he'll be back at 3 we know it will be more like 6!)So anyway,just to quickly update you,I had one failed IVF in september 09,really took me along time to get over it,as anyone who has experienced this will know,I felt it was like a grieving process for me,but I eventually made it to the other side & I knew it was time for another go,& being a newly turned 41,time is not on my side,so I knew I had to get my arse it gear,the longer I left it the more eggs I'd loose as we all know it declines with age.Fortunatly I had a good AMH level of 8.4,which for an old bird is pretty good!
Anyway,my clinic is in cheshunt & for us its an hour each way on the dreaded M25(I hate this road)& we always leave in plenty on time,& this is the only time I'm ever early as I hate to be late for my appontments.We get on dreaded motorway & its just at a standstill & I'm like "nnnnoooooo"its just gridlocked!!varios swear words are circling my brain & I think any minute now there all guna come tumbling out(I also suffer with REALLY bad road rage!)well,the other lane start moving & I'm thinking "come on Mr K move over into the other lane!!!" & just when I think I'm guna shout it out he moves lanes,Yes he can read my mind my soulmate! To cut along story short,there had been an accident on the other carriage way,but being nosey brits every one had slowed down to have a good look.We just made it in time to the clinic,now my clinic is quite small & is always running behind & of this I'm thankful.Mr K & I then spend the next hour refilling out all the consent forms as they have changed since last year,my lovely nurse Mary gets me my Suprecur ready to start my injections on day 21 of cycle & its typical that today was the day my AF was due & it decided to hide away,so mary can't tell me when they'll do my egg collection till I start af,but atleast i'm on my way!!
Mr K & I are doing a BOGOFF offer! Buy 2 IVF treatments & get a 3rd free!I wanted to ask if they would take my Tesco clubcard,imagine the amount of points I'd get!!wouldnt have to shop for years!!lol. So the next year could be a very busy & emotional year as I have to take all 3 cycles within 12 months,so at the end of it,I will either be pregnant,or childless,as after 4 attempts it hasnt worked i can't put myself or Mr K though it anymore,so PLEEEEAAAASSSSSEEEEE help me get my own bun in my oven!!!!
And I gota have lots & lots of HOPE.
Must go & warm up the oven.
x x x

Sunday, 14 February 2010

You'll have to excuse me as I'm new to "blogging" & don't quite now where to start!! But I hope you will join me on what I hope to be a fun & eventful "bun baking"!! I'm sure there will be lots of rants & tears,but hopefully a few laughs on the way!!