The Ingredients To My Infertilty

I come from a large family of females,my nan had 4 girls,who in turn(apart from my mum who was the only sister to have a boy)all had girls.In three generations I am the only female to have "infertilty problems". My nan,who is 85,often likes to tell me that all she had to do was open her legs & she got pregnant!her words,not mine,love you nan! She has often told me that if she could have a baby for me she would(think we might get on the Jeremy Kyle show if that happened,LOL) & thinks that its cruel that I should be "barren"(her words again!)So as you can imagine my infertility is a great topic of conversation between my aunts & cousins. One of my aunts doesnt agree with IVF,but shes never had to deal with it,& lots of my cousins have offered their womb to me!but I really would like to try & carry my own child. So let me tell you my story & I hope it doesnt bore you!

Deep down I've know for a long time that something wasnt right,even before I went for all the tests. I did become pregnant along time ago when I was 20 & married to my first husband(thats another story!) I suffered a miscarriage at 10 wks & subsequently had a laperoscopy & D&C, I no that it cant be proved but I think that the D&C helped to block my tubes.

Anyway, it wasn't till I met Mr K 10 years ago that I thought about kids, & after a year of being together I stopped taking my birth control & nothing ever happened. I had always thought if its ment to be it will happen,then I thought this is never going to happen. It wasnt unitl May 2007 that I plucked up the courage to go the doctors, who then refered me to the hospital.Then spent from may till Dec 2007 waiting for another laperoscopy. My consultant at the hospital was not very compassionate,as when I came round from the surgery She just said rather sternly,"we pushed dye through your tubes & it didnt come out the other end" & that was it!!no explanation,nothing! That night I went home in tears,I really thought this is it,no babies & its all my fault, I was devastated.When I went back to see Miss Stern,she said they wanted to do a HSG,so again more waiting. Finally had this done in June 2008 & they managed to unblock one tube after 2 attempts(this bloody hurt!) & I'm not ashamed to say I cried like a baby(I have a low pain threshold anyway,passed out twice from breaking fingernails!this is true!!)

I then started on the downward spiral of the devils drug as I like to call it, "clomid". Took this for a year & poor Mr K suffered very badly towards the end,I dont think I stopped crying for a whole month,hated him being near me,then cried for him when he'd had enough & buggered off fishing!I really thought I was going round the bend & this was when I decided I couldnt take anymore & stopped taking them.

During this time I was reffered for one free IVF treatment. When I hadnt heard anything from the hospital for 4 months I phoned to see Miss Stern only to be told I'd been discharged! was vv angry & when I finally got to see Miss Stern she told me I was no longer eligable for free IVF as they had changed the criteria!! Never heard so much bollocks in my whole life! She went on to say again without any compassion that I would have to pay for it myself & what was £10,000 if I got a child in the end!! Yeah right,I'll just go & pick it off my money tree at the end of my garden,thats if the fairies & pixies havent stolen it!!cos we all have a spare ten grand floating around dont we!

I sort of gave up hope by then,one of my friends had given birth to her 4th child at 40 & I remember sitting in my garden late at night cos I cudnt sleep,thinking it will never be me,I will never get to hold my own child,I will never go through what she has gone through-lovely big tummy,agonisng labour-I will never experience this & I think thats when it really hit me that I may never have kids,& i just couldnt accept it,I needed to try,otherwise I would die knowing that I had never tried & even now if it doesnt happen at least I know I've given it a damn good try.

Thats why I wanna say a big big thank you to my lovely mum,as without her help none of my IVF treatment would be possible,so thank you mum,love you so much & I hope to give you your grandchild soon,& to the wonderful Mr K for putting up with me through all my tears,tempers & sadness,Love u Mr K!!!

Time to get the mixing bowl ready. xx