Saturday, 28 July 2012

Its not all chocolate coated.

This is me, Mrs K opening my heart.I thought that once I had a family it would all be sweetness & light...........for me its not all been chocolate coated.

I can honestly say the last 5 years have been one hell of a roller coaster ride for Mr K & I.
We have gone from a fun loving couple who loved to go out socialising,took alot of holidays & generally had a good life together,to a couple who then faced infertility,had countless tests; a few operations along the way, & months & months of the devil clomid pills, only to then start the IVF journey, finally get our gorgeous baby boy to us splitting up 2 weeks I said its been one hell of a ride, plenty of ups & downs............& quite a few tears along the way.

Prior to splitting up,things had got really bad between us,this year has been particularly hard. I have been suffering with PMS,which has rapidly got worse over the last 6 months, and this has had a HUGE effect on our relationship to. Every month for about a week(sometimes longer) I change. I feel like I'm drowning in everything,childcare,housework,just general day to day stuff.I feel myself slipping further & further under & I can't stop it. It all gets on top of me,I become very very down,I start thinking that I will be better off on my own, that Mr K will be better off without me,as how can he put up with such a miserable bitch......not at all what I had pictured for our family life!!

Growing up we had always gone on alot of family outings,mums,dads,Nana & Grandad & all the kids. I have some fantastic childhood memories (& some equally horrible childhood memories) but its these family outings that I cherish, & I suppose I wanted the same thing for our blinkered I am!! I can count on one hand the amount of family days out we have had in the last 18 months & this really upsets me alot.This coupled with various other things & my raging PMS led me to sitting alone on the beach in Zante on what was our "family" holiday,thinking "that's it,I want a divorce". I felt very let down by Mr K on holiday as well,he had promised that xy&z was going to happen &it never did,funnily enough I knew none of it would happen, but I so wanted him to prove me wrong. when we came home I became more & more distant & more depressed. My PMS self told Mr K that I didn't no what I wanted anymore,I didn't know if I even wanted to be with him & that I had thought about divorce. I don't even no how it had all come to this. Needless to say 5 days later he told me he couldn't take anymore & was leaving. The strange thing is,is that part of me wanted him to go & part of me didn't, but I knew what I was doing to him was killing him, so he left.Thankfully I think it was the kick up the backside I needed. The days we were apart I knew I didn't want to loose him,& I knew I had to do something about my PMS. So to cut a long story short, he came home & when I saw him I felt such a bitch for what I had done to him( even though he is partly to blame,lol)
That night we went out & talked like we've never talked before(I'm very good at holding stuff in, this is one of my problems) I knew I had to say every thing that was on my mind, & it felt good to get if off my chest,I'd had stuff sitting there for years, yes years that's how bad I am!!!

So this week saw us start marriage counselling,& hand on heart I thought it was great. It was a bit daunting at first as we didn't no where to start,so we went right back to the beginning. But once we got over that "awkward" stage it felt good to talk to someone that's impartial,with great advice.
We have a long way to go & changes to make,but I know in my heart we will get there. She has opened up our eyes to look at things differently & appreciate each other alot more. We both think that we probably wouldn't of lasted much longer had we not gone to see her,as things would of just plodded on as before & got worse. AND I'm going to the doctors to discuss my PMS, I'm not very hopeful as alot of people( & Internet research) have told me theres not alot they can do for it,but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

It may not be chocolate coated yet, but we have a light sprinkle of icing sugar.

Love Mrs K x