Saturday, 28 July 2012

Its not all chocolate coated.

This is me, Mrs K opening my heart.I thought that once I had a family it would all be sweetness & light...........for me its not all been chocolate coated.

I can honestly say the last 5 years have been one hell of a roller coaster ride for Mr K & I.
We have gone from a fun loving couple who loved to go out socialising,took alot of holidays & generally had a good life together,to a couple who then faced infertility,had countless tests; a few operations along the way, & months & months of the devil clomid pills, only to then start the IVF journey, finally get our gorgeous baby boy to us splitting up 2 weeks I said its been one hell of a ride, plenty of ups & downs............& quite a few tears along the way.

Prior to splitting up,things had got really bad between us,this year has been particularly hard. I have been suffering with PMS,which has rapidly got worse over the last 6 months, and this has had a HUGE effect on our relationship to. Every month for about a week(sometimes longer) I change. I feel like I'm drowning in everything,childcare,housework,just general day to day stuff.I feel myself slipping further & further under & I can't stop it. It all gets on top of me,I become very very down,I start thinking that I will be better off on my own, that Mr K will be better off without me,as how can he put up with such a miserable bitch......not at all what I had pictured for our family life!!

Growing up we had always gone on alot of family outings,mums,dads,Nana & Grandad & all the kids. I have some fantastic childhood memories (& some equally horrible childhood memories) but its these family outings that I cherish, & I suppose I wanted the same thing for our blinkered I am!! I can count on one hand the amount of family days out we have had in the last 18 months & this really upsets me alot.This coupled with various other things & my raging PMS led me to sitting alone on the beach in Zante on what was our "family" holiday,thinking "that's it,I want a divorce". I felt very let down by Mr K on holiday as well,he had promised that xy&z was going to happen &it never did,funnily enough I knew none of it would happen, but I so wanted him to prove me wrong. when we came home I became more & more distant & more depressed. My PMS self told Mr K that I didn't no what I wanted anymore,I didn't know if I even wanted to be with him & that I had thought about divorce. I don't even no how it had all come to this. Needless to say 5 days later he told me he couldn't take anymore & was leaving. The strange thing is,is that part of me wanted him to go & part of me didn't, but I knew what I was doing to him was killing him, so he left.Thankfully I think it was the kick up the backside I needed. The days we were apart I knew I didn't want to loose him,& I knew I had to do something about my PMS. So to cut a long story short, he came home & when I saw him I felt such a bitch for what I had done to him( even though he is partly to blame,lol)
That night we went out & talked like we've never talked before(I'm very good at holding stuff in, this is one of my problems) I knew I had to say every thing that was on my mind, & it felt good to get if off my chest,I'd had stuff sitting there for years, yes years that's how bad I am!!!

So this week saw us start marriage counselling,& hand on heart I thought it was great. It was a bit daunting at first as we didn't no where to start,so we went right back to the beginning. But once we got over that "awkward" stage it felt good to talk to someone that's impartial,with great advice.
We have a long way to go & changes to make,but I know in my heart we will get there. She has opened up our eyes to look at things differently & appreciate each other alot more. We both think that we probably wouldn't of lasted much longer had we not gone to see her,as things would of just plodded on as before & got worse. AND I'm going to the doctors to discuss my PMS, I'm not very hopeful as alot of people( & Internet research) have told me theres not alot they can do for it,but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

It may not be chocolate coated yet, but we have a light sprinkle of icing sugar.

Love Mrs K x

Thursday, 1 December 2011

Arg the dentist!!!

So today was the first time in all my 42 years & 363 days(yes its my birthday on Saturday!) on this earth that I've had something done to my teeth other than the normal check up & clean. I've always been proud that I've never had any fillings and have looked after my teeth well..........................but I HATE THEM!! they cross over at the front & I have 2 fangs for which I got teased for when I was younger,which has lead to me being paranoid about smiling for photos & not being able to do a big roaring belly laugh in front of people. I'm always conscious of meeting new people as I think the first thing there thinking is "oh my god look at her fangs!"
I've always wanted to get them straightened,so when at the age of 41 Mr K asked me which I would prefer to have done:teeth or eyes ?? I chose teeth. At the time I was pregnant, so I went for a consult with the orthodontist to see what she could do. She assured me she would be able to fix them,but I would have to wait until 6 months after Junior was born.............more waiting, but I figured I'd waited this long so another 8 months wouldn't hurt.
Anyway, I started my treatment in October(she had an op & was off work for months! more waiting!)When I saw her in November she said I would have to have 2 teeth out as I have a small mouth & not alot of room in there. At the time I didn't think anything of it, but the more I thought about it there more nervous I became. I didn't know what to expect. How do they get out healthy teeth?and what do they use? Needless to say this week I have worked myself up into a bit of a frenzy, I even had to phone the dentist & ask what I could expect, I like to be a bit prepared, although nothing prepared me for today!! She said I would have a few injections - A FEW!! FOUR to be precise!& that they wouldn't hurt- the ones in the roof of my mouth hurt like buggery! AND that I would just feel pressure as they got them out, yeah right lying bitch!! No one told me how vicious it would be!! I swear if the dentist could of wedged his foot under the door handle so he could pull harder he would of done! I almost wished I'd gone to my big bro & got him to tie string round them,attached the string to the door handle & slammed the door hard.........hey presto job done!!
Anyway after what seemed like an eternity(and during this time he had to stop because I felt faint & they had to get me a glucose drink) my lovely healthy pre molar 4 was ripped from her safe warm home. Only thing is she left part of her root behind, but all was ok he "flicked" it out with a nifty flick of the wrist.
I forgot to add that when I got to the dentist I promptly burst into tears..........oh the shame.
Then he went on to get number 4's sister on the left hand side(4 used to be my lucky number,I am now thinking of changing that!) all was going ok,he kept saying "oh good its coming loose,not long" & I thought "wow quicker than the 1st one"...had that thought a little to soon. He had to go & get in another dentist as it was proving a little stubborn & his arms where tired at this point. So cue dentist number 2,alot more tugging & huffing and puffing, then bingo............out it popped,only it broke & left a lot of the root inside. After what felt like an eternity of them poking & prodding & dentist number 3 coming in for a while,some of the root came out, but they couldn't get the rest, so had to have an xray to assess what was left, from that they got that my roots are splayed & they would not be able to get it out, I have to go back next week to see the specialist who should be able to get it out, turns out he has "tools" the normal dentists cant use. They said it might just come out easily,or worse case scenario he will need to cut my gum open..............lovely......I just know this is going to happen, bet it wont be straightforward!
I then got up to leave,felt faint & burst into tears again( I'm so over the shame now).
I eventually got packed of home with a bag of gauze, lips feeling bigger than Pete Burns,& ashamed at what a baby I am! oh & I could be the new Corsadil model!
Thankfully my lovely mummy was at home looking after Freddy, so I popped some painkillers & went to have a lay down, at this point my gums & teeth were starting to hurt, & I could feel Freddy's teething pain. But my teeth,sorry gums, wouldn't stop bleeding(another porkie pie by the dental nurse,she told me they stop bleeding after 10 minutes!).
So 4 hours post healthy teeth pulling they are still bleeding,though not as much now., I cannot speak properly due to the mahoosive gaps in my teeth,though Mr K has assured me u cannot see the gaps that much,& I feel like I'm lisping! I also feel like a child again,do you remember what it felt like when you lost a tooth & all the gum was exposed,it felt weird,gummy & airy in your mouth for a while. I'm hoping by the time my brace is fitted on the 22nd Dec(yes you read right,I'm having it done right before Xmas,I'm hoping that this will stop me over indulging & I may be the only person who looses weight over the festive period!) that I would of got used the "gummy" feeling & talking like Toyah Wilcox!
That aside I do not regret having me teeth out,I cant wait to pose for a family photo & give the biggest smile I possibly can!


Mrs K xxx

Thursday, 10 November 2011

The Chocolate obsession

Its come to my attention that there is a big obsession with the baby having chocolate(or the lack of). This obsession comes in the form of family members,surprise surprise!

So I just want to ask, "what is the big obsession with giving baby's chocolate??"

We all have the choice of what to feed ourselves & our children. I'm choosing to try & give Freddy a healthy start in life.

I was VERY fussy as a child & at one point from the age of about 15 months lived on just marmite sandwiches & the occasional piece of cheese for many months! I don't want Freddy to be the same, you may find this hard to believe but its taken me 42 years to try raisins & blueberries! And don't even get me started on tomatoes & beetroot!!

Let me tell you the tomato story. So I was about 5 or 6 & I remember sitting in the lounge on the floor with a plate on a stool in front of me. On the plate was a tomato. One lone tomato & me & my mum. This is how the conversation went:

Mum "come on try it"

Me "but I don't like it"

Mum "how do you know you don't like it"

Me "I just don't like it"

Mum "you've never tried it,now try it"

Me (crying by now)"but I don't want to"

This resulted in my mum telling me that I had to sit there until I tried it.

Well I sat there for what felt like a week ( it was probably only half an hour but when your a kid half an hour is SO long!)
In the end my mum gave in (think I had stressed her out at this point!) & I was excused from the tomato! And to this day I have never tried a fresh tomato! I can eat chopped ones in a pasta sauce but that took about 28 years!

As for beetroot & mayonnaise I have never even tried them as the smell alone makes me gag!!
And I DO NOT want Freddy to follow in my footsteps, though I'm yet to give him beetroot or mayonnaise, I think Mr K may have to give him those as I fear will gag! Thankfully he does like tomatoes,phew!

So here I am trying to raise Freddy on a varied,balanced healthy diet & all I get is "when are you going to give him some chocolate??Bet he would love some, your depriving him" my answer is always the same, he has never had it so far,so therefore doesn't know what he's missing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that Freddy will never have chocolate, I would just like to get him established on healthier foods first.

I do not condone anyone that wishes to give their baby chocolate from a young age,its your choice, so do not condone me for not giving my baby chocolate.

Mrs K x

Thursday, 4 August 2011

The buns out the oven!!!

Its been a VERY long time since my last post,6 months in fact! I cant believe its gone by so quick! I just had a read through my previous post(& had a little weep) & it still fells like yesterday,I remember the 6th January so well! its weird to think that 2.5 hrs after writing that post i had my first contraction. my only regret is that i haven't done more posts to document all the ups & downs we've been through as we became a family of 3(+ 3 dogs,5 chickens & 2 ferrets!) My main reason of starting this blog was so that at some point id be able to save it all for Freddy to read when he got older, but there never seemed enough time in the day, so I'll have to try & catch up over the next weeks(months!)

So yes, after that post Dave & i were having dinner & i felt a strange sensation in my tummy,it wasn't even a pain, but i just knew that this was it & it was all going to start, and i think it slapped me in the face then that junior was on his way out!

So i did the only thing i remember to do that id been told about,"relax & don't panic", which is strange because while i was pregnant i thought the minute i went into labour it would be all over for me,that id have a complete meltdown,crying "no Dave i cant do this,i don't want him to come out now!" but i surprised myself, i stopped eating and turned to Dave & said very calmly,"Dave i think I'm going into labour", He replied "i know!"

at that point i went & had a bath as i figured it would be a long night & i wanted to pass some time & just be with my big fat belly one last time in the bath,I wanted to have our last bath together(although it turned out that wasn't to be!)

I remember tweeting in the bath,though I didn't tell anyone that I had gone into labour just in case it was a false alarm.

Anyway fast forward a few hrs & about 9pm i had a,how do i put it politely,a major clear out if you know wot I mean! that's when I knew it was all systems go!

So I spent from 9-10pm timing contractions,which were from 3.5-4 mins apart,so phoned the maternity unit & midwife said to call again when contractions were over a minute long & not so long apart. I sent Dave to bed as all he wanted to do was film me in labour,which I was not very happy about! I was quite surprised at how quick my contractions progressed as by 1am they were over a minute long & very frequent,so i went to get Dave up so we could go,went to the loo & that's when I lost the plot, Istarted to bleed really heavily,panicked & screamed to Dave "oh my god I'm bleeding,phone the hospital!!" I thought the placenta was coming away and I was going to lose junior. So Dave was tell the midwife all this & she was like "oh its only a show, is it just a bit of pink mucus?tell her to put a pad in & call us later" I was screaming at Dave"ITS NOT A BLOODY SHOW,THERES LOADS OF BLOOD & MY CONTRACTIONS ARE A MINUTE AND HALF APART!" and she still said," yeah phone us later" with that Dave shouted at her and said we were coming in NOW! And when we went outside it was like a scene from a Sherlock Holmes episode,thick fog and we couldn't see more that 10ft in front of the car,and its a 30 min drive to the hospital on a good day & I just remember thinking,oh my god I'm going to give birth in the car!

We finally got to the hospital bout 2.30am only to be met by horrible midwife on the phone,midwife Doreen! First thing she said,"right lets have a look at all this blood then",nothing there!"see" she says"nothing there!""do me a sample in that put it on the bin" & left the room. When i went to the loo, cue loads of blood,I said to Dave "I'm not moving till she comes back & shes seen all this blood" so Dave took the sample whilst we wait for the ray of Sunshine's return!

When she eventually came back i showed her & she said,"like i said its only a show" to which i replied"well if id been told wot a show was really like instead of being told its just a bit of pink mucus then id know that wouldn't I!" then she asked for the wee sample which unbeknown to me Dave had put in the bin! Cue angry midwife now!"I didn't tell you to put it IN the bin, i said On the bin!" Dave felt like a naughty school boy then. "right,we'll put the monitor on you & see wots going on" Doreen barks,"shall i bring her bags in?" Dave's asks meekly"NO we don't know if your staying yet", so on goes the monitor & she leaves. "bloody hell Dave,i hope I don't have her all the way through,how the hell did she become a midwife?" "dunno" says Dave "but she bloody scares me". so we wait in silence,apart from the odd quiet moan from me(I'm frightened Doreen will tell me off if I make to much noise)& then she returns about 3.30am and states "oh your are in labour!" no shit Sherlock I say in my head! "right lets examine you & see how many centimeters you are". this is the part i like cos while she examines me my waters brake all over her,I'm silently laughing to myself, and she goes to leave........" many centimeters am i then?" i need to know this so I no roughly how long me & Doreen are going to be stuck with one another,"oh" she says "7 centimeters,well done for getting that far on your own"& just like that she changed it not nice Doreen! Thankfully half an hour later at 4am Doreen finishes and i get the most fantastic midwife EVER! the lovely Scottish Lorraine(no not kelly!) at this point i beg for some pain relief as Ive not had a thing,not even a whiff of gas & air! she looks at my notes & sees that I'm allergic to morphine "hhmmm...I'll have to check with the doctor wot you can have,but try the gas & air for now", Jesus,Ive never had such a quick head rush as i did from that first intake of gas, it was like Friday nights all over again from years gone by,i felt drunk!

Any way the lovely Lorraine comes back & explains that no i cant have anything, due to the lack of emergency doctors on,if they gave me an epidural or pethidine(both of which are morphine based)& something went wrong there wouldn't be anyone to attend to me,so basically it was gas & air & nothing else...............SHIT!! my worst nightmare came true,pain pain & more pain & nothing to do to dull it! Then Lorraine mentions the birthing pool is empty & would i like to go in there! YES YES YES!! this was the one thing i hoped for in labour all through my pregnancy,but was told your very lucky if you can get in there as theres only one pool.

so we all decamp to the pool & Ive got to say it was FAB!

one thing i should mention at this point is that Christmas eve i watched my one & only episode of One Born Every minute on C4, & one of the ladies(who was in labour) said to her husband "oh my god i think the baby's coming to come out my bum" at which i was in hysterics saying "silly cow,coming out of her bum, ha ha ha!" and it was only when i got in the pool i turned to Dave & Lorraine & said "oh my god I'm either going to have a poo or the babies coming out my bum!" i take back all my laughing Mrs OBEM!

Lorraine reassured me that neither of these actions were going to happen,thank god! So at about 6am i was ready to push junior into the world,only my contractions stopped! so we waited & we waited...............6 minutes in fact in between contractions! & every time i felt him progress down 5 mils it felt like he went back 20 mils!

it then got to about 7.15am and i heard Lorraine say to the assisting midwife that if he didn't come out by 7.30 then they have to get me out & pull him out! so i had to summons all my energy to get him out,no way was i getting outta that pool now,so with every contraction Dave,Lorraine & Sharon(assisiting mw)pushed me on to push that little bitter harder & little bit longer, even when i whimper "i cant push any harder"(can i say at this point how proud i was of myself as i didnt scream out in pain,although all my family never believed this till we made them watch the video!LOL! i just did wot Lorraine told me & she told me not to waste energy on screaming) & then with every breath i had in my body i pushed junior out! i cannot begin to tell you how amazing & surreal it was to see his head underwater looking around! we stayed like that for awhile waiting for the next contraction,half in the oven half out! then "whoosh" he was out & caught by the lovely Lorraine!

Welcome to the world Freddy James Junior at 7.45am!

she placed him on my chest & he cried & i said those words I've waited to say for so many years "its alright,mummys here" & cried happy tears.

After that i was just in a daze, I'd waited so long to meet this little fella & now here he was, just perfect.

Id rather not say to much about the stitching up,found it all a bit traumatic after the midwife had ago then had to get the head doctor to have a few goes,i passed out with the pain.

So here he was,my very own bun which i had cooked to a plump 7lb 5oz, perfect in every way!!

Love Mrs K xxx

Thursday, 6 January 2011

PING!!!!! Cooking times up!

So here I am, made the big "40" for the second time in my life!! & boy has it been a roller coaster ride!Today has been a very emotional day for me, there have been alot of tears & various other emotions as I "looked" back over my whole IVF experience! I remember when I first found out I was pregnant, laying in bed each night praying that nothing would go wrong & every week saying "please let me get through the next 36 weeks" & wham bam here I am, the big 40 week mark, & it feels like only yesterday that I found out.
But now he really needs to come out!!!
Im not ashamed to admit that I have found the last 3-4 weeks very hard, but Im hoping & praying that it will all be over sooner rather than later,I really don't think I can go another 2 weeks, my body has had enough, Im struggling with the simplest of everyday tasks, even going upstairs is such an effort, I cant sleep because of the pains in my hips, & when I do fall asleep I wake myself up either choking or snoring(another thing they dont tell you you develop!!)then Im frightened to go to sleep in case I choke, its a vicious circle!
But Im hoping these things will disappear soon after the birth.
So all I can do is sit & wait................& wait!
So lets have a quick catch up from 12-40 weeks(dont worry it will be quick because thankfully nothing major happened,I've been extremely lucky!)
When I was 13 weeks I went to meet up with some of the lovely ladies that I've meet on twitter, the lovely ivfchronicles aka Sarah,ivfdiary aka Fi & phillygordan aka Phillipa( if you dont follow these ladies,then do,they are amazing) we had a great weekend in oxford & it was really nice to meet these ladies in person as I had become good friends with them & lots of other ladies on twitter. Since then I have also meet up with vhl girl,fbish wife @ meezze10(more lovelies).
Since then my pregnancy has progressed well, I had a private gender scan at 17 weeks(Im so impatient I couldn't wait till I was 20 weeks to find out!) & found out I was having a little boy, which he has loving been know as junior.
During this time Mr K & ! got busy decorating the nursery which I have LOVED doing, it is my pride & joy!
Probably the only "excitement" Ive had is at 32 weeks when junior decided to do a flip (which was not a nice experience as it caused me to bleed & have a major panic!!)& sit in the breech position for a week! But again the lovely ladies of twitter came to my rescue with lots of ways to help turn him back,which must of worked because he did!
So here we are now, junior continues to grow bigger & bigger with every passing second I think! Every day I have stresses & panics over the labour & birth, It wasnt till last week that it finally hit me that this baby had to come out somehow & I had a bit of a meltdown!
Sometimes I wake in the night & think its all been a dream as I cant feel him moving around,then I put my hand on my big swollen tummy & thank god it wasnt, he is really in there!
So please come out soon junior,mummy & daddy cant wait to meet you,you are going to be so loved & I promise to love you,protect you,& nurture you with all my heart my precious little miracle!!

Love Mrs K

Friday, 11 June 2010

Place cupcake in the oven & bake at womb temperature for 40 weeks!


5 week Tummy

So here I am on the eve of my twelfth week & Ive gotta say I'm starting to get excited! I'm not ashamed to say that Ive found it hard these last seven weeks, Ive gone through every emotion possible I think, but know I just wanna shout "I MADE IT YIPPEE!!!!" & I'm so glad I did!

So after I got my BFP I worried constantly about the 1st scan, would every thing be OK? would I get there & find I was having a phantom pregnancy, that my body had played a cruel trick on me? I worried about every eventuality possible. On the morning of the scan I sat in my bedroom & cried, I was having a little chat with my uncle Brian ,my nan & grandads( who have all sadly passed away) & I just couldn't stop crying, I was praying that everything would be OK with my cupcake(s)-didn't know how many had implanted at this point-& I just couldn't pull myself together. Its normally an hours drive to my clinic so we left in plenty on time, only to arrive 40 minutes early! these were the longest 40 minutes of my life! there was quite a few other ladies there all for the same reason as Thursday is scan day, & while they all sat there beaming away I was silently sobbing in the corner. the lovely receptionist tried to get me in earlier, but she couldn't, so all I could do is sit & sob. When the nurse finally called my name (I think the other ladies were glad to see the back of me at this point) she asked if I was OK & that was it! I was blubbing all over the place saying I'm so worried theres going to be something wrong, bless her she was so lovely she just said I'm sure everything will be fine not lets get you ready & we'll find out & put you out of your misery.

Nothing in the world can describe the overwhelming joy I felt when I saw my one little cupcake flickering away on the screen, (I did have 2 embryos put in) this time I cried tears of joy & so did Mr K. I felt so relieved,happy,proud & thank full that I had finally been granted my chance.

We both came away on cloud nine, I didn't go back to work as I was so excited that I wanted to tell my family as I had managed to keep it a secret from them this time & to say they were over the moon is an understatement! My cousins cried, we were all sat round the table chatting away & Mandy said " so why aren't you at work then jack?" & I was all coy saying "oh I had to go to the doctors this morning.........cos I'm pregnant",then that was it, lots of tears & "oh my god your joking!!"

Next was my Dad & step mum, my dad is a man of very few emotions, he tends to hide it all away, so to see him shed tears when I told him meant so much to me!

Anyway lets fast forward over the next few weeks. I thought I would stop worrying after the scan, but oh no it continued! In fact it wasn't till I was reading a blog by Kate(bustedplumbing) who said she has something taped to her computer saying(can't remember all the words) stop worrying about all the things that could go wrong & start enjoying all the good things that are happening( something like that) that I began to think Ive really gotta stop all this worrying,

I will probably never experience pregnancy again so Ive really gotta start to think more positive about it, which was easier said then done when at 9-10 weeks I felt like all my little symptoms that I did have disappeared! It was like overnight I had gone from being pregnant to not! It was not an easy time,but thanks to the lovely ladies of twitter they put my mind at rest.

I have been lucky or unlucky however you wanna look at it, to have not really had any symptoms, all I have had is the occasional feeling sick & retching ,1 nose bleed, backache & headaches ( at the times when I didn't feel pregnant I actually prayed for some sickness, I know this will not make sense to the ladies that have suffered badly with it, but I felt like I needed a bit of reassurance that my cupcake was still doing well).

My tummy has grown so quick I cant believe it! I asked the midwife I was big for 10 weeks & she said if it hadn't been confirmed that I was having one baby she would of said it could possibly be twins,unless one was hiding she said at the scan! or that my uterus had just popped out quicker than normal & the baby will grown into it know & I may not grow anymore for a while, but from weeks 8-11 its grown 2.5 inches,in one week alone it grew 1.5 inches! so I cant wait to see how much its grown tomorrow when I do my weekly photo & measuring!

So on the eve of my twelfth week I have a lovely little tummy which is developing a little downy fur over it & a gorgeous pregnancy cleavage in the making ( no gel bras required now!).

I have my next scan on the 1st July when I'll be 13 weeks 2 days & I have been told that I should get a really good picture, fingers crossed!

I'm so proud that I made it to the first hurdle, here's to the next one!!!!

Keep baking

Love Mrs K xxx

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Baking in Progress!!

Sorry its taken so long for me to update my blog, I will try not to ramble on to much, but apologies if I do!
So on Tuesday 27th April I found out that my IVF treatment had work, I WAS PREGNANT!!! To say I was shocked (well both of us really) was an understatement! Compared to my last IVF cycle (which was horrendous!), this one was a breeze! But I was convinced it hadn't worked as 4 days after my transfer I had really bad pains in my tummy,not like period pains,they were very strange,but they started at midday & went right the way through till 10pm that night, then nothing, deep down I had prepared myself for the worst. The day before my test was the worst as last time I started bleeding the day before my test, so I was constantly in the loo "checking", Dave was ill due to worrying as well & by the end of the day when my AF hadn't reared its ugly head I began to have a very small amount of hope that I mite be pregnant.

I didn't sleep at all well that night, I knew I had to hold my wee wees for a minimum of 6 hrs!(forgot to say that on the Saturday night I had started peeing mega amounts during the night) so knew this was going to be hell! Told myself I had to wake up at 1am for my last "wee stop" of the night,then no more, easier said than done, 4am I was busting to go again & had to hold it, not a good move! Any way to pass the time I pictured myself phoning my mum in the morning to tell her it hadn't worked again, I tried to picture this over & over again to try & prepare myself, but for some reason the picture that kept reappearing was one of me telling her I was pregnant.

At 6am I couldn't hold it anymore, told Dave to quickly let the dogs out for a wee & I would wait for him before I did the test, last time I peed on the stick & Dave watched for the result, this time I wanted to witness the change for myself.So when he came back I rushed into the bathroom to do it, & he said oh my god I need the loo! thankfully we have another loo upstairs, & as I was mid pee there was no way I was stopping, not after I'd been holding it for 5 hours!

So I peed & waited on my own. Last time I had a digital pregnancy test that either said "pregnant" or "not pregnant", I hate these tests as its almost like its taunting you if your not pregnant, so I couldn't bear to use one of these tests ever again! This time I had the good old 2 lines for positive, 1 line for negative ( no taunting involved!)Watching that stick change was amazing, I knew as soon as the first line came up that it had worked, cos if its negative the line only comes up on the right hand side, & this line came up on the left side first, then the right, I just sat there in shock ( all this time Dave is still on the loo oblivious to it all). After a minute or two I just said in a very flat voice "Dave I've done it", he rushed out the bathroom going "well,what is it?"I handed him the stick & said"I cant believe it, I cant believe it,oh my god I cant believe it, its worked" I was shaking & he hugged me said "oh my god Jack, I bloody knew it had!", my reply "I've gotta lie down".I was in complete shock, but I knew I had to call my mum as she would be waiting for news, & I couldn't wait to tell her she was going to be a nanny! When I called she said she had been awake since 5am worrying as well, but when I told her she was going to be a nanny she started to cry, I don't think she could believe it either, then I had to phone daves mum & two sisters as I knew they would also be waiting for news, & they all cried as well! Ive got to say I think it was the most emotional day of my life! I phoned my clinic & left a message for them to call me back,& when my fav nurse called she was like, good news,bad news??? I screamed "bloody excellent news!!"she was so happy for me as she had seen me at my lowest last year after the failed attempt & she is brilliant at her job!

I wont waffle on for to much longer,spent the rest of the day in a daze really(& 6weeks later im still in a daze!)

Its strange though,cos no matter how hard I thought the IVF was,being pregnant is a million times harder, I have tried not to but I have worried constantly,worried about first scan,now worry about second scan & it goes on & on & on, but I'm trying my hardest not to worry(easier said than done) as I don't want to look back & say I worried the whole time, but I know that will never go away completely, so I'm trying to focus on all the good things,this precious, miracle life growing inside me ( which I still cant get used to!) & my wonderful husband & family who have been with me all the way!!

So now we've just gotta wait for the bun to bake!!

love Mrs K xx