So, this week I start my second cycle of IVF treatment & I was excited about starting it,but over the last two weeks the doubts have started creeping in & now I am wreck! The more I think about it,the more I don't wanna do it as I'm so scared. When I think about how I felt last time I really don't no if I can cope with it all,I thought I had got stronger,but now I'm not so sure. Mr K has given me a stern talking to because he said I need to change my attitude & start thinking more positively,& I no he's right,but the more I worry the worse I become then I hid away in the loo & have a little cry....what is wrong with me???
I'm sure I'm not feeling any different to any lady that that has suffered knock backs on this roller coaster ride, but I feel so alone,I need some one to tell me that what I'm feeling is quite normal,but as I haven't told any members of my family apart from my mum I can't vent my fears & anxieties.
I really do try to be positive, I've started telling myself when I'm falling asleep over & over again that "I will get pregnant & I will have a baby",but then I think what if it doesn't work again? can I cope with how I felt last time?
Its very hard to explain how I felt after my last cycle, I kinda went through a grieving process. I was very very angry at first,angry that it happened so easily for some people & not me,then angry at myself,I hated my useless defective body & I couldn't look at myself in the mirror as I felt it was my fault it hadn't worked.Then a sadness & numbness like I've never felt before. But gradually(& with the help of some counselling) I realised that I wasn't blame.I should also say that when we went back to the clinic for a follow up even my Dr said he was shocked it hadn't worked as one of my embryos was a grade A(this then started more uncontrollable crying & self hate) but it was one of those times when they didn't have any answers for why it hadn't worked.
So as you can see this I why I'm feeling like I am,all the fears I have are making me stressed which I no is not good for my peace of mind & I don't want to enter into my IVF feeling like I am,so dear ladies of Twitter I'm calling on you to please help me (although Mr K would say I'm beyond help sometimes!) I would appreciate any words of advice you can offer me, & to know that I'm not going mad would be a great help.
Going to turn the oven down for a while & carry on mixing.
love Mrs K xx
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