My poor Doggie

On Monday I had to take Fern to the vets as her back leg joint had become really swollen & she couldn't walk on it. She had x-rays done & they couldn't find out what was wrong with it, so we were given some anti inflammatory medicine (metacam) & told to rest her till next Tuesday, & if she was no better she would have to see a specialist.

Last nite she took a dramatic turn for the worse, firstly she wouldn't eat her tea, & as any Labrador owner knows the only time they don't eat is when they are poorly. I just thought she was feeling down due to her leg hurting her & all week she's watched Barney & Jasper go out & she's had to stay home.

Anyway, I went to bed early last night as I'd been up since 5am & in the night when I woke to go to the loo I thought I could smell bleach, but thought I must be mistaken(Mr K wasn't in bed, I assumed he was still up). When I woke up this morning Mr K was already up( & I don't hear much at night as I have to wear ear plugs due to Mr K's snoring!).

He said he had been up all night with Fern. She started to be sick at 10.30 after I'd gone to bed,she was sick about 4 times he said before he came to bed. But then he could hear her making funny noises downstairs, & when he came down he said there was blood everywhere, poor Fern, it was pouring out of her bottom, & while he was cleaning it up she was being sick all over the rug in the dining room. I cant believe I didn't hear anything & was upset that he didn't wake me up.

She wouldn't eat anything this morning, not even a piece of chicken. She managed some water,but no sooner had she drunk it,she just brought it back up again & when I saw she was still passing alot of blood I knew I had to get her round the vets or she would become seriously dehydrated. Forgot to mention that I looked at the side effects that can happen with the medicine she was taking & she had all of them, but what scared me the most was that it said in severe cases may cause death!

When we got to the vets, I burst into tears when the vet asked me what was wrong with her & I couldn't stop crying, but she checked her all over & luckily she wasn't to dehydrated, but she kept saying it looks like a burst ulcer,even though I told her about the metacam & side effects .( you should know that I do not have alot of faith in our emergency vet service, I had a bad experience when I had to take Barney a few years ago & my friends dog went in & they failed to diagnose what was wrong with him & said it was something else & because they left it for so long poor Bob died in there & we were all devastated).

So the vet said she would have to stay in & they would put her on a drip & do "tests"on her. So I had to leave my poor baby, even though I know she's in the best place I cant help but worry, Fern is the most loving dog ever,she has such a lovely nature & wouldn't hurt a fly, & we've had her since she was 6months old, & she's now 7. The worst part was coming home without her, Barney & Jasper just looked at me as if to say "where is she? what have you done to her?" & Jasper my 5 month puppy adores Fern, she been like his surrogate mum, in fact when we got Jasper she changed,it was like he brought out a new "mummy" lease of life in her.

So the vet just rang & I still don't know what is wrong with Fern, all her bloods were ok, she was sick after I left her, so they gave her an injection, & the vet said she's had 2 more dogs brought in with similar symptoms, but Fern hasn't left the garden all week so how could she pick anything up?? So were still none the wiser.

I have washed my floors so many times as there's a stench of "blood" hanging in the air( thank god I have laminated floors,although I have had to throw out the rug). We had to pull out the fridge & freezer as there was so much blood it went all under those as well.

So all we can do is wait & pray, get better soon Fern as mummy Miss's you & I'm sad without you here.

Sad Mrs K xxxx

Mix in 0.5 of Suprecur on a daily basis!

So here I am, day 7 of my 2nd IVF cycle, & I gotta say its been a funny old week. I got myself rather worked up on the first day of injecting,as those of you that know me know that I have a fear of needles. I woke really early & just kept putting it off, but after 2 hrs I knew that I just had to get on with it,I mean I've done it once before,you'd think I'd be a pro by now,but I'm not, I'm a big baby when it comes to any type of pain, god only knows what I would be like if I did, by some miracle become pregnant & get to experience the joy of LABOUR!

So anyway I thought this is silly,just do it!! so I did, I sat there & stabbed myself twice before I eventually injected myself! Palms were sweating & heart was racing at this point,what a big baby! You might ask "why didn't Mr K do your injection?", well he had gone fishing with the hounds so I could relax before the emotional roller coaster began, & when I asked him if he would like to inject me on my last cycle he chickened out! said he didn't wanna hurt me! Silly thing is, it doesn't even hurt, so why do I get myself so worked up???
I was fine after the injection, until late afternoon when I started to feel really sick, wasn't sure whether it was due to the Suprecur or the overall build up of the injection! but continued to feel sick all night.
I was fine the next day(which was mothers day) went out with my mum,aunts & cousins for the day. Felt a bit awkward as one of my aunties started to ask me when I would be "having another go" as they like to put it, I then had to lie & say "oh soon, not sure when" me & my mum just looked at each other & raised our eyebrows!! I hate keeping it from my family, but I just don't want all the phone calls on "the dreaded test day" especially if it is bad news, & by people not knowing I feel like life is carrying on as normal as possible, as last time it was all everyone talked bout, Jacqui & her IVF.

Felt sick again all afternoon & evening & just prayed that I would not feel like this for the next month. I didn't have any side effects last time(apart from some moodiness which Mr K would say is normal!).

Monday woke up feeling full of life & energy,thinking "yes I can do this"& I was really positive.

All change Tuesday!!!!Dramatic loop the loop on the roller coaster!Didn't know what was wrong with me, sat talking to Mr K in his office & the tears just started to roll down my cheeks, then got angry with myself for crying for no particular reason, spent the rest of the day very subdued.

Poor Mr K took the brunt of it on Wednesday & Thursday, he hadn't done anything wrong, but everything he did do got on my nerves if you know what I mean, just wanted him to leave me alone & scream at him "I'VE ONLY GOT ONE NERVE & YOUR GETTING ON IT!!!"poor Mr K!

Then I felt bad as he was constantly asking me "what have I done?",so I was honest & told him "you haven't done anything wrong, but your really getting on my nerves for no reason", & it was strange, because no sooner had I told him I felt so much better & have been in a very good mood today, apart form the permanent state of confusion I seem to have developed, I here words coming out of my mouth & they don't make any sense & I have no idea where they came from,its almost like I have another person living in my body that has taken over my power of speech,& I got spots!!lol, I never get spots,am lucky to be blessed with very good skin.

There are two things that have got me through this week, firstly, my acupuncture session, which was amazing!had a needle put in the top of my head & it felt like all my woes were flowing out through the needle! secondly, Zita West, thanks to the lovely helenlegh(if you don't follow her on twitter please do so!) who lent me the Zita West CD, it has been a god send!I even play it in my car to calm down my road rage! Seriously, if you don't have this CD you must get it!
So here I am now waiting for my AF to arrive, then I can get my scans booked & get an estimate for my egg collection. I hate not knowing when its going to happen, I've sort of worked it out, but it all depends on the delightful visit of Aunt Flo!

Sorry if I have rambled on a bit,but I feel I had alot to get off my chest! I think I need to try & do more blogs, but shorter, but I don't seem to have the time.

Anyway must go now as I've really gotta stir the Suprecur in well so its mixed just right & then I can add the Gonal-F.

Happy Baking

love Mrs K xx

A sprinkle of fear & anxiety

So, this week I start my second cycle of IVF treatment & I was excited about starting it,but over the last two weeks the doubts have started creeping in & now I am wreck! The more I think about it,the more I don't wanna do it as I'm so scared. When I think about how I felt last time I really don't no if I can cope with it all,I thought I had got stronger,but now I'm not so sure. Mr K has given me a stern talking to because he said I need to change my attitude & start thinking more positively,& I no he's right,but the more I worry the worse I become then I hid away in the loo & have a little cry....what is wrong with me???

I'm sure I'm not feeling any different to any lady that that has suffered knock backs on this roller coaster ride, but I feel so alone,I need some one to tell me that what I'm feeling is quite normal,but as I haven't told any members of my family apart from my mum I can't vent my fears & anxieties.

I really do try to be positive, I've started telling myself when I'm falling asleep over & over again that "I will get pregnant & I will have a baby",but then I think what if it doesn't work again? can I cope with how I felt last time?

Its very hard to explain how I felt after my last cycle, I kinda went through a grieving process. I was very very angry at first,angry that it happened so easily for some people & not me,then angry at myself,I hated my useless defective body & I couldn't look at myself in the mirror as I felt it was my fault it hadn't worked.Then a sadness & numbness like I've never felt before. But gradually(& with the help of some counselling) I realised that I wasn't blame.I should also say that when we went back to the clinic for a follow up even my Dr said he was shocked it hadn't worked as one of my embryos was a grade A(this then started more uncontrollable crying & self hate) but it was one of those times when they didn't have any answers for why it hadn't worked.

So as you can see this I why I'm feeling like I am,all the fears I have are making me stressed which I no is not good for my peace of mind & I don't want to enter into my IVF feeling like I am,so dear ladies of Twitter I'm calling on you to please help me (although Mr K would say I'm beyond help sometimes!) I would appreciate any words of advice you can offer me, & to know that I'm not going mad would be a great help.

Going to turn the oven down for a while & carry on mixing.

love Mrs K xx

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY!